The Jerry Springer Show
by Evil Emmy
Summary: Harry, Sirius, Snape, Hermione, Fudge, ect. all on the J.S.Show!!!!


  
The Jerry Springer Show  
  
Warning: The Jerry Springer Show may contain adult themes, foul language, and/or aggressive behavior that might not be suitable for younger viewers. You have been warned! And now........ The Jerry Springer Show!!!!!!!!!!   
  
**************  
  
"JERRY....JERRY....JERRY....JERRY....JERRY....JERRY....JERRY!!!!!"  
  
"IT'S THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW!!!!! AND HERE'S YOUR HOST, JERRY SPRINGER!!!!!!!"  
  
"Hello! Welcome everyone! Today we have a special show called "Mayhem in the Magical Community"!!!! We will soon meet many witches and wizards who all have a deep dark secret that they wish to share with someone. Okay, let's bring out our first guest, the Minister of Magic.......Cornelius Fudge!"   
  
SCREAMS; APPLAUSE  
  
"Hi Cornelius!!!! How are you today?" asked Springer as Mr. Fudge took a seat.  
  
"Great, that's why I'm on the Jerry Springer show you idiot," Fudge responded angrily.  
  
"Ahhhhh, I was just trying to...."  
  
"You want a piece of me you bastard!" screamed Cornelius as he flung himself at Springer.  
  
"JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY!!!"  
  
"YOU FILTHY #^%*#%^*&^ !!! YOU BUTT UGLY, STUPID OLD GIT! GO TO   
HELL"  
  
"WHY YOU @$%&%^*@%^*&*#!#%^" YOU STUPID FOOL!!!! GET THE HELL OFF OF MY F*%#&#*#%#$& SHOW!!!!!!!"  
  
POW! BAM! THUMP! SLAM! BOOM!  
  
Big & bald, the Jerry Springer security guards came running onto the stage to tear Jerry and Cornelius off of each other.   
  
"GET THE HELL OFF ME YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!" yelled Cornelius Fudge.  
  
"GET THAT SLIMEY PIECE OF CRAP OFF MY STAGE!!"  
  
"JERRY..... JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY"  
  
With great difficulty, the guards finally dragged Cornelius, still cursing, off of the stage. Order was eventually restored in the theatre and the chanting from the audience eventually died down.   
  
"Cough, cough, wow," sighed Jerry. He adjusted his tie, tucked his shirt back in, and picked his microphone up off of the ground. "Well, let's take a short break and then bring out our next guest." As he began walking backstage, with his hands in tight fists, he mumbled, "I wonder if that damn fool is still back here......"  
  
***************  
  
"JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY"  
  
"And now, back to the Jerry Springer Show!!!!"  
  
"Our next guest has two secrets that he would like to share with us today. His name is Severus Snape and he is a professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Come ooooon out, Professor Snape!!!!!"   
  
APPLAUSE MINGLED WITH A FEW BOO'S   
  
"Hello Jerry," said Snape as he walked across the stage and took a seat.  
  
"Hello Severus. It's nice to see you on our show today. So, you have two secrets to share with your all of your friends and co-workers from Hogwarts? Can you tell us your first secret?"  
  
"Yes, Jerry. For about one year I have been seeing this... ah... person. In secret, we would meet at midnight, in the kitchens, and in Hogmeade. No one knows about our relationship, but we are madly in love and wish to share our wonderful secret with all of our friends at Hogwarts."   
  
"Okay. Well Severus, we have a surprise for you. Please bring out our special guest. Here is Severus' secret love...... Dobby the house elf!!!!!"  
  
OHHHHHHHHHHH; APPLAUSE  
  
"Hello, Mr. Jerry Springer, sir," squeaked Dobby as he walked in. "Hello, Snape-e-poo!!!"   
  
"Dobby," called Snape, who ran over and swept him into a giant kiss.   
  
"O-kaaay," sighed Jerry with a rather disgusted expression on his face. "Why don't you two take a seat? *No! Not on top of each other...* Now, Professor, is there something you want to tell Dobby?"  
  
"Yes, Jerry. Dobby, there is something I have been keeping from you. I...."  
  
"Waaaaaaaa!!!" wailed Dobby. "My Snape-e-poo is no liking Dobby no more? He like other elf. Not be with Dobby no more, no more. Waaaaaaaa!!!"   
  
"Of course I still love my Dobby!" cried Snape, who fell to the floor at Dobby's feet. "But forgive me for not telling you sooner. I.......I'm.......... a transsexual!!! My name isn't Severus; it's Sarah. I'm a...female!!! Waaaaaaaaaa!!!"  
  
"JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY"  
  
"WHAT!!! YOU LIE TO DOBBY. TELL DOBBY YOU A MAN BUT REALLY BE WOMEN!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH. YUCK! YUCK! YUCK!"  
  
"But Dobby, I love you. There is more to me now. Much more. Please, accept me for what I really am," begged Snape as he clung to Dobby's feet.  
  
Pow! Dobby kicked Snape in the face.   
  
"Ahhhhhhh, Ohhhhhhh," wailed Snape as he/she rolled around on the floor clutching his/her face. "Wait, Dobby. Don't leave me; I love you."  
  
"My Snape-e-poo still love Dobby?"  
  
"Yes, Dobby! Please, will you......marry me?"  
  
OHHHHHHHHHHHHH; BOOOOOOOOO; DUMP HIM; SAY NOOOOOOO  
  
"Um.........Yes, my Snape-e-poo. I love you too......"  
  
"We'll be right back after these short commercials."  
  
***************  
  
"JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY"  
  
"Our third guest today is another professor at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She teaches transfiguration and is known as one of the most strict but levelheaded teachers at Hogwarts. Come on out............Minerva McGonagall!!!!  
  
APPLAUSE  
  
"Hello Jerry," said Professor McGonagall as she slowly made her way to her seat. She was wearing her usual plain black robes and her hair was pulled back tightly in a bun.   
  
"It is so nice to finally meet you, Professor. I've heard so much about you," Jerry answered.  
  
"Ahhhhh, yes," McGonagall sighed. "Well, that's the reason I'm on your show today, Jerry."  
  
"Really? Why don't you tell us about it?"  
  
"Well, as you said, all of my co-workers and students think of me as very strict and levelheaded. I'm hear today to let everyone know that they have never seen the real me. And I want everyone to meet, the real Minerva McGonagall!!!!!  
  
MUSIC; FLASHING LIGHTS; APPLAUSE  
  
Professor McGonagall jumped from her seat and started to belly dance. "This is what I really like to wear everyone!!!!!" she yelled as she tore off her robes revealing a short black mini skirt with a long slit up the side, red fishnet stockings, a red skintight tube top, and black knee-high boots. She also had a belly chain around her waist, about ten different necklaces around her neck, eight earrings on each ear, twenty jangling bracelets per wrist, and a rather large tattoo of Austin Powers on her exposed back. As she continued dancing, Minerva grabbed her shiny black glasses from her face and threw them over her shoulder. Then, she grabbed at her perfect bun and ripped the ponytail holder out of her hair. She shook her head back & forth which revealed bright blue and yellow streaks throughout her locks. "Yaaaaaaaa, baby! Ooooooooooh behave!"  
  
"JERRY....JERRY....JERRY....JERRY....JERRY....JERRY....JERRY!!!"  
  
Minerva leapt from the stage onto the ground. There, she jumped onto Jerry's back and rode him around the theatre shouting, "Waaaaaaaaaaaaa Hoooooooooooooo."  
  
"Wow! Jerry! That some nice hunk of butt you got there, baby!" she called while spanking Jerry.   
  
"Get this crazy lady off of me, you idiots!" Jerry growled, through gritted teeth, to his bodyguards. Minerva continued to spank his booty until the guards finally pulled her free from Jerry's back.   
  
The guards, fighting off Minerva's kisses and spanks, finally got her into a seat on stage. After flipping back her hair and crossing her legs, she seemed to settle down just a bit, so Jerry decided to begin the interview.  
  
"Well, Minerva, ummm, you've made quite a change." Jerry announced.  
  
"Yes, I know, Jerry. I'm a sexy bitch baby! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Hummmmm... Jerry," she said dreamily. "What a lovely name.   
  
"Ummm, thanks," Jerry said slowly as he cautiously backed away from her.  
  
"You know Jerry," said Minerva as she rose swiftly from her seat, "you're a sexy hunk of meat. I wannta eat you. Grrrrrrrrrrr yum yum!!!!"  
  
"Oh, oh no. I'm really old and all wasted up," he said now backing away from Minerva at a moderate pace.  
  
"Well we'll just see about that, won't we?" Minerva dove from the stage on top of Jerry knocking him to the ground. Lying on top of him, Minerva grabbed Jerry's face and...   
  
"Ahhhhhhh!!!! Security! Help!" he yelled. "Cut the cameras, Cut the cameras.....  
  
***************  
  
"Welcome back to The Jerry Springer Show!!!!! Here's Jerry Springer!!!"  
  
"No! No, you fools, I'm not ready yet. That @%^&^%^#%*^%* got lipstick all over me. Cut the cameras... cut the cameras!!!!!"  
  
***************  
  
  
"WELCOME BACK TO THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW!!!! AND NOW... JERRY SPRINGER!!!!!!"  
  
"Hi Everyone! Well, on with the show... please bring out our next guest... Sirius Black!!!  
  
APPLAUSE, YEAH SIRIUS, UR A SEXY HUNK OF MEAT BABY  
  
"Hello Sirius. It is a pleasure to meet you."  
  
"Hey, Jerry!" called Sirius, as he strolled onto the stage wearing black leather pants.   
  
"Well, today, Sirius has a secret to share with his wife Gemini Black. Isn't that right, Sirius?" Jerry asked.  
  
"Oh, um, yeah, Jerry," Sirius answered.  
  
"Well then, Gemini Black, come ooooooooon out."  
  
APPLAUSE  
  
"Hello everyone," Gemini smirked.  
  
"Why, hello, Gemini. It's a pleasure to meet you."  
  
"Oh, I know," she smiled.  
  
"Okay, well, let me introduce you, Gemini, most people don't know you yet..."  
  
It's Gemmy, get it right, or I'll kill you!" Gemmy sneered.  
  
"Oh! I'm very sorry, GEMMY! Anyway, as I was saying, Gemmy is Sirius' wife. They were married this June after Mr. Black's sister and Gemmy's twin sister tricked them into marriage... What?"  
  
"Ohhh, yes that. My our idiotic sisters forced us to get married so that they would be sister-in-laws. What's wrong with you? Can't you read off your stupid note-cards and stop me asking foolish questions?" she growled.  
  
"Sorry, Mrs. Black."  
  
"GEMMY! Idiot! I not an old "Mrs." hag lady! Gemmy, like a Gem you stupid little bald fool!"  
  
*I'm not bald!* "Well, Gemmy, Sirius has a secret to share with you. Go on Sirius."  
  
"Um, Gemmy, I was convicted of killing thirteen people with a single deadly curse fourteen years ago. Just recreantly I escaped form Azkaban and am wanted for murder."  
  
"JERRY.....JERRY......JERRY......JERRY......JERRY......JERRY!"   
  
"Eh," Gemmy shrugged.   
  
"What? I just told you I was convicted of killing thirteen people and all you've got to say is 'Eh'?"  
  
"You've only murdered thirteen people your entire life? Hmmm, I would've thought better of you, Sirius Black. Only thirteen people... I'm so disappointed in you," Gemmy said sadly as she shook her head.   
  
"Well, how many people have you murdered then Gemmy?"  
  
"Haven't you ever wondered why there was no life on planet X?" Gemmy asked.  
  
"No, why?"  
  
"Huh! I though you knew me better than that, Sirius!" Gemmy cried.  
  
"Umm, you killed them all?"  
  
"Awwwh, you knew all along, didn't you? You're so sweet."  
  
"Umm, yeah."  
  
"Ha, ha, ha! I've killed more people than you Sirius!"  
  
"Well, I killed the entire Gangja-Gangba Tribe!"  
  
"Oh, yeah? Who the hell are they?"  
  
"You don't know about them 'cause I killed them all! Haa!"  
  
"Yeah, well you just made that up! You didn't blast a planet to pieces like I did!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"So?"  
  
Pow! Bam! Smack! Boom! Slam! Ping!  
  
Gemmy and her loving husband are throwing each other across the stage.  
  
"JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY.....JERRY"  
  
Three audience members quickly walk down to the stage.   
  
"Gemini Black, you stupid little fool! Get the hell off of Sirius; you're on national T.V.!"  
  
Gemmy looks up at the speaker just as she was about to push Sirius out of an open window.  
  
"Emmy! What the hell are you doing here! This my f*#%*%#%*# showing. Get out of here!"  
  
Emmy walked onto the stage accompanied by Remus Lupin, and another girl dressed all in black.  
  
"Emmy, I'm warning you, get out of here now. Or else!"  
  
"Well, actually, I was asked to come here today, Gemmy. We are also guests on Jerry's show!"  
  
"Oh, really?" asked Gemmy.  
  
"Actually, yes, they are my guests, everyone. Allow me to introduce Ms. Emily Evil, Mr. Remus Lupin, and Ms. Cora Black.  
  
APPLAUSE   
  
"Emily is Gemmy's twin sister, Remus is a close friend to Sirius, and Cora is Sirius' sister."  
  
"Remus, its so nice of you to come."  
  
"Yeah, Sirius. Whatever."  
  
"Well, why don't we all take a seat, and I'll start the interview," Jerry announced.  
  
"Sure, Jerry."  
  
They all sat down.  
  
"Well, Gemmy, Sirius, I invited Emily, Remus, and Cora here to tell us about your relationship. There have been many rumours about your, ah, bizarre behavior. First, I have one question to ask you, do you even like each other?"  
  
"Grrrrrrrr," growled Gemmy.  
  
"Ah, never mind. So, Cora, do you want to start?"  
  
"Gladly, Jerry," explained Cora, "we all believe that my brother and his wife have gone completely crazy. It started when they used to play practical jokes on each other."  
  
"Yeah," interrupted Remus, "Sirius would put itching powder in all of Gemmy's clothes and she wouldn't have any thing to wear. Then Gemmy would retaliate and throw out all of Sirius' clothes."  
  
"Soon the jokes became more and more severe. Once Sirius burned down an entire muggle village because some of Gemmy's favorite stores were located there," added Emily.  
  
"Jerry, we came on your show today to get help for my best friend, Sirius, and his evil little wife. Can you help us?" Remus asked.  
  
"Well what is it that you would recommend?"  
  
"They both need serious mental help, Jerry! They are completely insane!!! Lock them away in a mental hospital!!!"  
  
"Okay, okay. Calm down, Mr. Lupin. Why don't we bring out our very own 'Jerry Springer Show' psychologists? Ms. Evil and Ms. Black!"  
  
APPLAUSE  
  
No one came out from back stage.  
  
Jerry, looking very confused, calls, "Um, Ms. Evil? Ms. Black? Where are they?"  
  
"Ah, Jerry, that's us," answered Emily Evil.  
  
"Yes, the producers just hired us today!" added Cora.  
  
"You're not a psychologists! Go burn in hell Emmy! You little bitch!" screamed Gemmy.  
  
"Yeah... So, what is your recommendation for these two?" asked Jerry.  
  
"Definitely insane."  
  
"Severe threat to society."  
  
"Take them away!!!"   
  
Men in white coats come on stage. Put restraints on Sirius and Gemmy. Drag them off stage.   
  
"Emmy!!!!!!!!! I'll get you for this you bitch!"  
  
"NO, not Azkaban again!" yelled Sirius.  
  
"Don't worry, Sirius, Gemmy, it's not Azkaban, it's a hospital for the mentally unstable," responded Cora.  
  
"Oh, in that case, I'll see ya later everyone!!" Sirius finished as he was stuffed into a truck with many bars on its windows.  
  
"JERRY... JERRY... JERRY... JERRY... JERRY... JERRY!!!"   
  
"We'll be right back after this short break..."  
  
*****************************   
  
"Okay, everyone, welcome back to the Jerry Springer Show!!!!" announced Jerry. "Our final guest today is someone everyone in the magical community knows. He has a problem that he wants to talk about on our show. So, let's bring out...  
HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED!!!!!!!!"  
  
GASP! SCREAMS (AHHHHHHHH!!!) PANIC!  
  
"Don't worry everyone; no one will be harmed today. Remember, we have our famous body-guards with us," Jerry yelled trying to calm down the magical members of his audience.  
  
*Ohhhhhhh, yeah, the body-guards! Everyone takes their seats.*  
  
"Okay, well, come oooooooooooooooooooon out, LORD VOLDEMORT!!!!  
  
GASPS!!! BOO'S!!! HISSES!!! GROANS!!!! GROWLS!!!!  
  
LORD VOLDEMORT enters the stage from the back doors and glides over to his seat, next to Jerry.  
  
"Hello, Jerry," Said VOLDEMORT in deep evil voice.  
  
"Um, hello, LORD, so you had something you wanted to tell us?"  
  
"Yes, Jerry. As you know, I have tried to murder that Harry Potter boy four different times and have failed miserably each time."  
  
"Yes, I heard."  
  
"Well, I was thinking about this one night, and I realized something. Can you bring out Harry so I can tell him something."  
  
"Sure, LORD. Harry come oooooooooon out!"  
  
CHEERS! APPLAUSE! GO HARRY!  
  
Harry walked across the stage and greeted Jerry. As he turned to take a seat, he noticed Lord Voldemort.   
  
"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" he screamed. It's LORD VOLDEMORT!!! Everyone run your life!!!!!"   
  
"Harry, Harry! Calm down. HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED is a guest on our show today," Jerry explained.  
  
"A guest on your show!?!?! What is wrong with you? Don't you know he murdered thousands of people? He's going to blow up this entire room just to kill me, I know it! Then you'll all be dead! I'm outta here," Harry called as he headed for the back doors.  
  
"Harry you're forgetting about our own Jerry Springer body-guards."  
  
"I don't give a damn about those stupid bald guys! I'm leaving."  
  
"Wait, Harry." VOLDEMORT finally stood up and approached Harry. "Don't leave."  
  
"Shut up! If I had my wand I'd kill you right now, but luckily for you, the guard confiscated it."  
  
"Harry, I have something to tell you."  
  
"Hmm, let me guess, you're my father, right? Yeah, I know, I know. That's always it. Like it that one spacey muggle movie, where that guy in black was like, 'Luke..."  
  
"Shut up Harry!" Jerry and VOLDEMORT both yelled.  
  
"OH, sorry, where was I... oh, yeah, I hate you father, er, VOLDEMORT!!!!!"  
  
"Harry, you foolish boy, I'm not you're father. Will you let me continue?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh, well, so as I was saying, I attempted to kill you four times and each time I failed. So last week I was thinking, 'Why can't I just kill him?' and I was like, OMG, I love Harry!"   
  
"What?!?!?"  
  
"JERRY.... JERRY.... JERRY.... JERRY.... JERRY.... JERRY.... JERRY!!!"  
  
"Harry, I love you!" VOLDEMORT grabs Harry and pulls him in for a long passionate kiss.  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Gross!!" *cough, cough, gags, pukes*  
  
"Well?"  
  
*Cough, cough* "Well what?"   
  
"Don't you love me too?"   
  
"NO!!!!"  
  
VOLDEMORT sits down and cries....  
  
Jerry~ "Well, Harry, seeing that you don't love VOLDEMORT, we have a special surprise for you. Two people have called in and requested to appear on my show. They both love you an want to come forward."  
  
"Oh, who are they?" asked Harry.  
  
"Okay, let's bring out Harry's first secret admirer. Hermione Granger!!!"  
  
"Hermione?" Harry said sounding surprised.   
  
Hermione glides across the stage and pulls Harry in for his second unexpected kiss of the night.  
  
"Harry, I love you."  
  
*cough, cough* "Oh, sorry Hermione, I still have VOLDEMORT's taste lingering in my mouth."  
  
"Want me to fix that for you?"  
  
"Um, Hermione, no offense, but I don't really love you. You're my best friend 'n all, but, I just can't think of you as my girlfriend."  
  
"WHO CAN YOU THINK OF AS YOUR GIRLFRIEND THEN, HARRY? HUH? HUH? THAT STUPID LITTLE CHO, MAYBE? YEAH, I'VE SEEN HOW YOU LOOK AT HER!!!! YOU LOVE HER, DON'T YOU???" shouted Hermione very angrily, beginning to cry.   
  
"Um, Hermione..."  
  
"Since we brought up the name Cho, Harry," Jerry interrupted, "let's bring out Harry's other secret admirer, Cho Chang!!!!"  
  
APPLAUSE OHHHHHHH!!!  
  
"Harry!" Cho called.  
  
"Not another kiss!" Harry wined, putting up his arms to block off Cho.  
  
"Harry, come on! I know you like me. You've been flirting with me all year. Hey, you even asked me to the dance. And, now, I finally realized I like you too. Come here," Cho called as she tried to grad Harry again.  
  
"Um, Cho, I don't like you."  
  
"What?" she questioned, confused.  
  
"I was just flirting with you to make someone else jealous. I wanted someone else to notice me. Jerry, would you mind if I revealed my secret lover?"  
  
"Oh, no, Harry not at all. Bring her out."  
  
"Um, okay, Ron, come on up here; don't be shy." Harry giggled as he grabbed Ronald Weasley's hand and dragged him up on stage.  
  
"RON!!!!!!" both Hermione and Cho screamed.  
  
"Yes, everyone, Ron and I are in love."  
  
"What?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhh!" screamed Hermione.  
  
"Waaaaaaaaaaaa!" cried Cho.  
  
Ron and Harry embrace each other in a passionate kiss as the lights begin to dim...  
  
"JERRY... JERRY... JERRY... JERRY... JERRY... JERRY... JERRY... JERRY!!!!!!"  
  
  
Well, that's it. So, what did you think? Do I have a sick mind? Well, it's not my fault, I was born this way I think, unless I just read too many NC-17 rated X-File fanfics... that might explain it. Hmmm, well, I really wanted to write an *After the Show* follow-up thingy so that you would all know what happened after the show, but I've been writing this sine July & just wanted to finally post it, so sorry about that. Well, if anyone actually enjoys this, let me know & I'd be happy to write a short follow-up. And, if many people enjoy this, which I seriously doubt will happen, then I might even write a sequel. Oh! I just got an idea for a sequel... maybe I will write another. Hmmm, probably take me another seven months though... Oh, well, please review. Pretty please. ~Emmy  



End file.
